Cell Phone Etiquette For All

Every weekday morning and evening I commute to and from my office on public transportation. And every morning and evening I am subjected to telephone conversations that I really don't want to hear.

This is not a lesson only for people with social communication disorders (who, in fact, are probably less likely to be offenders). This applies to the general population.

How can you talk to a friend or family member on public transportation and know that everyone can hear (at least) one side of the conversation? On occasion, the volume has been up high enough and the person was sitting close enough that I could actually hear both sides of the dialog: "OMG! She was so wasted!" "Really? What happened?" "She passed out in the doorway of the apartment and her roommates had to drag her in."

Or how about: "Hi, Dad. How was your weekend?" ... "Yes, I'm on my way to work but I thought you'd be awake." ... "Oh, was Mom there too?"

Are you kidding?? Just a few years ago these conversations would never have been taking place within earshot of anyone else. No emergency, no pressing news to share; just gossip or chit-chat.

By a wide margin, the most frequent offenders are young adults in their 20s or 30s; but this indiscretion is by no means limited to that age group.

For anyone reading this and seeing themselves (or feeling kinship) the first thing that goes though my mind is -- If someone is so bored, inconsiderate (or whatever else might cause this) that they feel the need to take out the cell phone just for the sake of shooting the breeze, I would never hire that person for a job that requires customer contact, colleague contact or just tact. Before you dial or answer, think about who is sitting in the next seat, and hope that it isn't the person you are about to meet for an interview.

The second thing I think is -- Hang up! No one cares!!

Honesty is the Only Policy

A curious trait that my son shares with most of those who have social communications disorders is an innate inability to lie. He is usually incapable of even the harmless white lies people tell in order to spare feelings, avoid arguments, or for whatever reason. Once when he was about twelve or thirteen years old, my husband and I were joking about our looks and I commented something like, “I know I’m not a ten – probably an eight!” My son chimed in with, “I think you’re more like a six.” OUCH! Imagine when he meets that special someone and she says to him, “Does this dress make me look fat?” Oh, we got trouble…right here in River City…

The first time my son lied to me he was in sixth grade. (In stark contrast, I think my daughter was in second grade the first time she told me that of course she had brushed her teeth, when she really hadn't). He was sitting on the couch as I was going to get the mail and I asked if he was wearing his retainers. “Yes.” Then as I continued to the mailbox I heard him running to his room to get the retainers. By the time I got back, he was sitting on the couch again. Some parents would be annoyed; I was delighted – and laughing out loud!

Because it is hard for people with social issues to feel empathy, they frequently don’t think about how someone would feel when they hear a truth that casts a negative light on the receiver. My son did not intend to hurt my feelings (and fortunately I have thick skin!) – If you’re a six, you’re a six. It was as though he saw it as a label, not as a description, so why would it hurt your feelings? On the other hand, he himself is very sensitive to criticism. I think this inner sensitivity that he has should eventually help him to understand better the impact his words might have on other people.

The social acceptability of white lies that serve the greater good is an important lesson to learn and practice. Don’t tell your Mother she’s a “six;” don’t tell your significant other that, yes – that dress does make you look a little fat. Before you tell anyone a truth that has a negative perspective, try and categorize it and decide if the person might think it’s nice or not so nice. Putting it into either of those slots might be easier to do than trying to determine if it will result in hurt feelings. It is really an art to be able to lie a little, just enough to avoid a misunderstanding, without sounding insincere. For better or for worse, most neuro-typical people are quite adept at this.

For my son, telling the truth is usually the right thing to do; why would you lie? However, in sixth grade, he discovered that lying could come in handy!

Emily Post - Table Manners

Manners can be learned in many different ways, or sometimes never learned at all. At this point in my life, I am still acquiring new behaviors that are the “norm” in “polite company.” Still, such behaviors are not practiced by everyone, and they are not even practiced by all adult “neuro-typicals.”

Between my mother and her sister, I acquired the rudiments of dinner and table manners (and would remember to use them) by my early twenties:

- Put your napkin on your lap when you sit down

- Fork goes on the left, knife on the right

- Eat to left (your bread plate is to the left of your dinner plate), drink to the right (your water glass is to the right)

- Use silverware beginning on the outside and moving inward toward your plate

- Small fork is for salad, larger one is for dinner

- Do not start eating until everyone at the table has been served

- Keep your left hand on your lap and eat with your right (although Europeans eat differently)... and try and chew with your mouth closed

I remind both my children of these conventions frequently, and my son’s most recent refresher was as he was getting ready for his prom. After the basic reminders listed above, I finished with the instruction that not many people need to get, “Use your napkin -- keep the food off your face.” I have to assume that table manners are less important in the college cafeteria (except for that last bit of advice).